How it feels to be raped

Take a good look at these two photos. They're clearly of the same person but the difference between them is immense. They were taken just two years apart. 

The photo on the left was taken in July 2004. I was 16 and had just left school. I had my first boyfriend and was looking forward to starting my A-levels. My wardrobe was made up of bright, bold colours to reflect my hippy-loving personality.

The photo on the right was taken in August 2006. I've lost a lot of weight. My skin is terrible and my dermatillomania has flared. I'm now wearing nothing but red and black since I've turned to emo as I relate to the music and culture. The biggest change for me is that my eyeliner-caked eyes are now dead. They've lost the excited sparkle that they used to have. 

What changed between these two photos? I was raped 6 weeks after that first photo was taken. 

September 11th 2004 was the day it happened- 10 years ago today. The boyfriend I mentioned above had broken up with me 2 weeks previously and I knew he was going to be at this party. Part of me wanted the opportunity for us to get back together, and part of me wanted to show him how great I was without him. Things went better than I expected- We were quickly chatting like we used to and things looked good. A couple of hours later, he'd raped me.

Immediately after, I was just so confused and upset. My friend was having a row with her boyfriend at the party and wasn't interested in hearing my problems. In fact, it was my ex's best friend who comforted me as I sat on the kerb crying. I remember at one point sitting on the kerb alone. A car pulled up beside me and a little girl, around 8 years old, jumped out. She said "My mum wants to know if you want a lift anywhere?". I looked up, and her mum was leaning out of the window with a look of concern on her face. I declined the offer but I've never forgotten that moment of kindness from a stranger when I most needed it. 

The next morning, I was in total disbelief. Beyond that, I felt so ashamed and humiliated. I sat in my living room at home and thought "In later years, my mum will be able to pinpoint this day as the day I changed completely". That's how instantly and dramatically it changed me. Even now, when I look back on my life, there is a very distinct line separating my life. I see my life in two parts: Before and After. 

48 hours after it happened, I had my first day of sixth form college. I woke up early in the morning and vomited a lot. I'm still sure that it was a reaction to the shock of what had happened. By now, I'd started to deny what had happened. Maybe I had imagined it. Maybe I had consented. I could remember a lot of what happened. I could remember everything leading up to it but the final part was completely lost. I still don't know how I got away. Perhaps that meant it never happened after all.

The memory of what had happened ruled my life. For the first year, I hardly left the house. I started self-harming. I drank a lot. At some point during that year, the guilt set in. I was so ashamed of myself for letting it happen. I had been drinking. I was wearing a tight vest top. I'd been kissing him willingly before it happened, so I'd clearly been leading him on. I blamed myself entirely. When I summoned up the courage to tell my best friend about it, the only person I'd told aside from the initial friend who brushed me off, she made me repeat "his fault, not mine" over and over, but I still didn't believe it. By the time the first anniversary came around, I was (and still am) surprised that I'd actually lasted long enough to see it. 

Surprisingly, it was the second year that I really hit rock bottom. I sank into a cycle of self-destruction: My binge-drinking increased, I accepted that I had a problem with self-harm, I stopped eating and I exploited my sexuality, forming quite the reputation. I was a total mess. I became obsessed with the idea of revenge. I swung between denying that it had ever happened, and blaming myself for it. Mostly though, I was filled with hatred. Not just for him and what he had done to me, but for myself. Everything was an act of destroying myself because of how much self hate I had. 

Over time, these feelings faded. There was no magic event that made them go away. It was a very long process over several years. As the ex-boyfriend was someone I met in school, he lived locally and I would still bump into him once a year or so. Those times would bring up all those old feelings. Anniversaries were also difficult but they gradually became easier and easier to deal with.

In fact, I've reached the point now where I'm almost thankful for it. Of course, it's hard to see the positives in an event like that but it's the single most significant event of my life. It made me who I am today. If I could go back in time, I wouldn't change a thing. Who knows where my life would be now if that hadn't happened. 

I'm writing this now because I want people to know what's normal. There's no "How To Survive Rape" guide and everyone responds differently, but if it has happened to you, know that what you're feeling is normal. Whether you're in denial, blaming yourself, full of hatred or even if you don't really care, it's ok. It's hard, I know. It's horrible and I know it feels like you will never get past this. It might take a few weeks, it might take years but trust me when I say you will survive this. You may feel that there is nobody there for you, that nobody understands. I do. Please talk to me if you need to. I always have time for people who need me and I will never judge or shrug you off. 

I'm actually writing this post in October 2013. I went to a Halloween party last night and I saw him for the first time in 2 years. Rather than lock myself in a toilet cubicle and cry, I made a snap decision. I was going to have a great time. He was not going to affect my evening. At first, his group of friends were the only ones on the dancefloor. My best friend and I joined the dancefloor just as Bullet for my Valentine's Four Words to Choke Upon (Look at me Now) came on. The aptness of the song was incredible. I felt strong. I felt powerful. I danced and sang my heart out. 

You tried to destroy me but it didn't work. Look at me now.